Wilds of Northreach

Most Glorious Desecration of Tomb of Evil Capitalist Dwarf Oakenshield and his Criminal Friends

Boris now tell story;

Me and most patriotic comrades-in-arms go north to find tomb with magic sword. I strapped my donkey up to cart and north we go. Encounter nothing. Eventually arrive at UNMARKED UNKNOWN TOMB and in we go. Within its depths Boris encounter thieves with shooty things. I get angry and throw my spear, nearly executing one.

After some attempts to persuade thieves to stop being angry at us for entering their UNMARKED HOUSE APPARENTLY, most glorious and patriotic comrade Balinor and I just kill the rest of them. They tried to be stealthy like great Siberian Tiger but they fail and throw dagger at Balinor. I got angry and need weapon so I rip out dagger from Balinorand slash one who run by.

Balinor and pyroman goes to hunt down. I go to smash open other door. Little monk man assists me, after scolding us or killing thieves (HOW CAN YOU SCOLD US FOR KILLING EVIL CAPITALIST THIEVES WHEN YOU DO EVIL CAPITALIST SIREN SARCOPHAGUS TORTURE?!?!?!?). But anyway.

I BORIS SMASH DOOR, and within lies more shooty crossbow rogue, which we dispatch in service of the great Mother Ursa. When Balinor and fire thrower man come back, we open door that we are obviously not supposed to open. NOTHING KEEPS OUT THE GREAT PATRIOT THAT IS BORIS AND THE MINER’S UNION! so we go in.

Inside, is dwarf in gold armor lying on floor, (made from the profit he steals from the poor working class dwarves of his kingdom, he deserves to be dead). Tiny monk man goes up and touch dead evil capitalist dwarf. Bad idea. He wake up.

Capitalist is now strong like zombie bear, and standing up. The door slammed shut behind us! We all begin to hit him, because the bourgeoisie must be toppled. Speaking of toppling, we topple big statue onto him so that capitalist can be put in his place. However, he still moving!

BUT THEN BORIS HAS GREAT IDEA. WHAT IF WE MAKE MOST GLORIOUS PATRIOTIC INVENTION? I ask Balinor for his bottle of brew, and after stuffing rag from coffin into, I light and make MOLOTOV COCKTAIL, WHICH BURNS ENEMIES OF THE UNION. I throw, after saying in Dwarfish- “Dosvadanya, Comrade!” Durin Oakenshield burned.

There was no magic sword, but there was… A MAGIC AXE (no holdy thing, but it was the blade at least). Balinor, the most patriotic of my comrades, gave me axe, and I so very happy. Rest of tomb was dwarf daughter and escaped head thief. Whatever.

Then I went north. Here we are at my inn.

And now story finished. Leave me alone. Then get me drink. And pet my bear.


“Boris, you know I appreciate your personal brand of wight-pummeling enthusiasm, but perhaps we should just have let Mason torch Oakenshield with magic. After all, I’m going to be waiting at least a week for another batch of the ’brew to come in from the South.

That said, it’s a right pity you had to head north immediately afterwards, you’re the only other traveler about town who knows how to fend for himself in the Wilds. We could make rapid progress in exploring the region if we were to pair up."

- Balinor Cadeyrn, Ranger of Northreach


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